Instructions for Kidnapping a Goblin by Charlotte Bowman

Kidnapping a goblin is something not to be undertaken lightly. Please take care, and make sure that a responsible (or irresponsible, but with access to a phone for emergencies) adult is present.

First of all, you need to make sure the goblin cannot fight back, which means intoxicating it or otherwise robbing it of its senses. Inviting a goblin into your home to do so is unwise, so the easiest way to do this is to get a band of goblins to engage in a party. Like most fairy folk, goblins are easily pleased, and many small tasks give them an excuse for celebration. So you need to give them something to celebrate.

Making such a trap requires cunning. Or the ability to follow these instructions:

  • Capture a cow. Or a pig. Sheep are not recommended for their meat is not to a goblin’s liking
  • Cover your tracks so a farmer won’t call the police after you have stolen his livestock; if unsure how to do this, consult page 56 of The Book of Sneaky Exploits
  • Construct a small holding pen, and put a sign on the fence saying something to the effect of: ‘Do not steal this cow/pig under any circumstances’
  • Open a portal to the daemon world using any of the six summoning spells written in a reversed version of the Enochian Alphabet; as you are summoning goblins, charcoal should be used instead of chalk to construct the portal ‘hinges’ in this realm
  • Leave a trail of sweets/chocolates from the portal to the holding pen
  • Wait

If anything NOT goblin-shaped comes through the portal, close it immediately. Otherwise, let them scramble through and steal the cow. If they immediately begin to rip the cow to messy shreds, do not worry, for this is part of the procedure.

If you do not know what a goblin celebrating looks like, refer to the following description by Dr G Preth, which he wrote shortly after encountering a band of goblins who had razed a farm:

Thirteen of them sat in a group, all leathery skinned and furry. The change from destructive activity to resting activity was subtle as the rest of the band were still moving around and burning things. But the shouts were less violent and more joyful, and the bits of building they were ripping apart were smaller. The play-behaviour was rather endearing to watch… and also distressing when you realised that the bones they clacked together for primitive music were from the legs of the lovely little dog called Rodger. Ah well.

The thirteen who had sat down seemed to be the ones who had brought supplies, and were up-ending their packs to browse the contents, which appeared to be numerous squat bottles of varying shapes and sizes. The exposure of the bottles drew the rest of the goblins over like moths to candlelight, and soon they were all drinking merrily, belching loudly. Some of them took out instruments seemingly from no-where and played out a merry tune that the others danced to with an apparent lack of rhythm or coordination. The music was soon drowned out by their shouting, and the sound of celebration was deafening. They seemed quite dumb to the rest of the world, which allowed me to move closer.

Closer observation revealed nothing new, other than it was the older goblins who ate human meat, and the younger ones that ate animal meat, the youngest getting the worst of the scraps. They eat all, fur, clothes, feathers, hair, eyes, and even teeth – although I think those were swallowed quite by accident.

Once you see such signs of celebration, you may proceed to kidnap a goblin. You will need:

  • A shovel, or similar blunt object
  • A sack or similar container
  • Possibly chloroform

Then you must approach a goblin at the edge of the group and tap him on the head with the blunt object. The tap must be hard enough to stun the creature, and do not worry about hitting too hard as their skulls are quite thick to cushion their small brains. If it still seems conscious, either gag it with a chloroform-soaked rag, or continue to beat it over the head until it stops moving.

Practising your tapping technique is not recommended, as it tends to kill humans quicker than it kills goblins. Most people find that they have a knack for it when the time comes, so go with the flow and that goblin will be out cold in no time!

Once the goblin has passed out, stuff him in a sack and run. The goblins should find their way back to the portal by the next morning, so you can close it then.

There. You have successfully kidnapped a goblin. You may proceed to threaten and bargain with the beast, or keep it as a pet to show your friends.

[The author takes no responsibilities if a goblin horde descends upon the house of the kidnapper.]