Granny Smith by Brian Gross

“What’s it going to be then, eh?”

“I’ll have the grilled cheese sandwhich.”

“No, you will not!”

“Why? If I said I want a grilled cheese sandwhich you best give me my fucking sandwhich!”

“Excuse me, but I refuse to give you your god damn sandwhich, you will eat what I make you and you will like it you ignorant little fuck!”

“I will not stand for this, I challenge you to a duel, and if I win I get my grilled cheese!”

“Fine, but if I win I get to take you back to hell with me and keep you as my taste testing slave for all of eternity.”

“Wait one second, you’re from hell?”

“Yep dearie”

“So, what’s with the granny get up, are you possesing some old hag or something?”

“No, I am Granny Smith, ruler of the underworld, destroyer of worlds, and baker of all things with apples!”

“What!? Your saying your just an old lady, damn you’ll never beat me old broad.”

Suddenly Granny Smith grew enormous wings emerging from her back, her teeth became sharpened to a point like needles, horns grew from the roll of hair on her head, a tail emerged from beneath her blouse, and her eyes grew fiery red with the intensity of a  roaring fire. Basically the other guy was fucked.

“So we’re playing hardball are we?”

The man pulled from his coat two sub machine guns.


The guns exploded in the man’s hand and Granny glided forward opening her mouth as if preparing to devour the young man.

He reached into his boot and flinged to knives at Granny, cutting a small strand of her hair which then turned into ashes.

“You will pay for that foolish mortal!”

Granny then shot spikes from her arms into the stomach of the young man. He was pinned to the wall, blood was dripping from his gaping wound. Granny landed returning to normal, she walked over to the man and dug her hand into the wound. Blood squirted out as he screamed in agony and then she muttered a small chant. He felt a painful movement going up his body, and then Granny pulled out the man’s heart and held it, beating in front of him.

“Here’s your grilled cheese asshole!”

She shoved his heart in his mouth and gave a strong kick to his jaw causing not only his heart to explode but himself to explode into ashes, sending him to the gates of hell.

She passed on unsuspected and deadly, like a pest in the street full of men.