Lonely Hearts by Andrew Henley

Alex DeLarge (A Clockwork Orange, Anthony Burgess) – Sharps needed for the old in-out-in-out. Cheenas or devotchkas only, no baboochkas.


Shannon McFarland (Invisible Monsters, Chuck Palahniuk) – Faceless former fashion model seeking open-minded man. Give me a future. Give me a chance. Give me someone to run away with. Please, no pre op transsexuals, no siblings and no closet homosexuals. I’ll make you look more beautiful. That whole beauty standard balance thing. Give me something vaguely close to normal. Give me something different from everything I’ve ever known. Give me any sort of escape from this screwed up life everybody forced on me.


Pygmy (Pygmy, Chuck Palahniuk) – Begins here Lonely Hearts ad of Operative Me, Agent 67. Quote, American author Chuck Palahniuk “You can’t fool someone into loving you”. Operative Me will seeks suitable seed-taker, Madam Party Pillows, Madam Chesticles, Madam Butter Bags. Quote, “You can’t fool someone into loving you”. Next now, applicants to be sending personal statistics to………..


Christopher Boone (The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night Time, Mark Haddon) – I don’t really understand what a Lonely Hearts is, because the heart is just an organ called the aortic pump and it can’t be lonely because organs can’t feel things like that and also people only ever have one. But Siobhan said it’s just an expression people use when they feel lonely. And feel a bit lonely so I’ve decided to write one. If somebody wants to answer this they will have to like rats because I have a pet rat named Toby and if you don’t like Toby I probably won’t like you. I don’t like yellow or brown either so if you have very yellow or very brown hair I probably won’t like you either.


Daisy Johnson (Shampoo Planet, Douglas Coupland) – Totes free spirit in need of real wild guy to help ‘fight crime’ (That’s sex, if you like, didn’t already know). No weird ‘roid bodies – ew – but unreal volumised dreads are like a way total plus. Smokers preferred, even though my brother says it makes me look like a poor person. But screw him, and his dumb, stuck up, so European French girlfriend.

Holden Caulfield (The Catcher In The Rye, J.D. Salinger) – Misery, seeks company. No phonies.


Tom Sawyer (The Adventures Of Tom Sawyer, Mark Twain) – Aunt Polly says I best be finding me a woman to take care of me, ‘cause she reckons she ain’t gonna be around forever and that I can’t do nothing for myself without her. So I needs a genuwye fine woman that likes stuff that I likes and I likes adventures and being pirates and stuff. Girls don’t normally go for that kinda stuff but I made a wish and buried a bug under the oak tree and Huck Finn reckons when you wish on a bug under an oak tree, the wish must be gonna be true and I wished to find me a woman who would like being a pirate with me.


Vaughan (Crash, J.G. Ballard) – Lonely symphorophiliac photographer seeks partner to assist with hobby and extensive photo collection. With reply, please enclose answer to following multi choice question, with corresponding body parts: John F. Kennedy, Greta Garbo, Jayne Mansfield or Elizabeth Taylor and radiator grille, handbrake, windshield and steering wheel.


Charlie (The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky) – Girls are weird and I don’t mean that offensively. I just don’t understand them sometimes. But I would still like a girlfriend. It would be nice, like in the song by The Smiths, ‘There Is A Light That Never Goes Out’. I think having a girlfriend would help me ‘participate’ more. People keep telling me I should ‘participate’ more, and hopefully a girlfriend will help me with that.


Alison Poole (Story Of My Life, Jay McInerney) – I need a man okay? Can’t rape the willing, right? And it’s been like, what, two weeks since I last got laid. And that was with Dean, who I was totally in lust with. I am one unhappy unit. So now I’m all, Thanks for ruining that for me Skip. But anyway, I need a man, but not one of you losers I’ve screwed before. And I know people who know me will be going, come one Alison, all you’ve done since you came to New York is guys and blow, how many more are out there? But whatever. Just give me a call.


Jim (The Basketball Diaries, Jim Carroll) – I’m looking for a chick, but not one of those Spades Bobby always goes with who go down on you for a bag of dope. And none of them bored housewives neither, they always want the most messed up stuff upstairs. No queers, ‘cause I get enough attention from those guys in the bathroom on South Street and I don’t want anymore, thank you. I’d just like a nice girl, maybe with a nice rack, who can show me something pure.


Raoul Duke (Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, Hunter S. Thompson) – Really I’m just looking for a nice girl… Oh my god can you see that! A huge purple lizard just rose up from the earth and started puking blood! Is everyone completely oblivious to this? Reality is a nightmare man. The veins in his neck are bursting, Jesus, why is no one reacting? Oh man, he’s coming towards me! This is the Fear with a freak-out! His jaws are opening up, about to swallow me, and… So anyway, just give me a call sometime.